What can I say?
I couldn't think of what I could possibly say to him, not even an opening gambit. I was stood up against the lockers, feeling naked and abashed, and he was right there; looking confident and devilishly handsome in his Etnies trainers, skinny-fit jeans, and Criminal Damage shirt.
He was my most recent in my ever-growing line of male crushes, but I had a good feeling about this one. Forcing myself to be confident, I strode up to him and asked the simplest of questions. I still managed to mess it up, as I do with an unequivocal panache. I meant to ask him if he wanted to catch a bite to eat after class ends, but it came out like this:
"Hey Jacob, I was wondering if, I mean, would you... you know."
"No, I don't know." He said, giggling slightly, not in a sour way. No , quite the inverse. He was sweet - sweeter than his predecessors in my crush list.
That's what drew me to him: his personality. That, and his fascinating aesthetics. If I was a religious boy, I'd say he was crafted by angels of the highest artistic capability. As I am not, I'll just admit that he's really hot. His skin: white as snow, his face: dignified (he defiantly looks older than his years should allow). But, his most spellbinding feature: his hair. Oh, his hair!
He was playing with his coils of pure gold as he continued his end of our discourse. "You're going to have to tell me Psymon. I'm not a psychic. C'mon, I don't bite, without asking first." He finished his quip with his usual giggle. That sweet sound that drives me insane when in math class; but this giggle was because of me, it was special.
"Well." I stammered "I was wondering if, and you can completely say no, I'd understand..."
"You're going off on a tangent, Psy. If you're going to say something: say it." He paused, with a wave of realisation crashing over him. "Oh! You're nervous." He giggled at this. "Just do what I do. Picture people in their underwear, it really helps me."
I did picture people, well person, and it did nothing for my nerves. My libido sky-rocketed though. Thanks Jacob, I never knew you were a briefs boy. I took in a deep breath, and prepared to continue.
Then the bell rang.
"Oh, it's end of lunch already? Damn, I have to head off to home ec in a minute, but I was wondering." Jacob paused, picking his words carefully. "Do you want to go for a bite to eat after class ends?"
"Yeah!" I blurted out, only slightly too quickly. Jacob noticed, as he giggled. I paused and said "I mean, I'd really like that."
"Great. It's a date then." Jacob said "Can I pick you up at the main entrance?"
"Sure."
"Great, I gotta go. I'll see you later then Psy." With that he walked off down the hall to home economics.
"I'll see you later" I whispered.
I did no work in my math class, next period.
I paced the back and forth in front of the main entrance for the hundredth time, only stopping in front of a polished plaque to wonder if I had been stood up, and to make sure my appearance was fine just in case I had not. My psychotic grooming was interrupted by a face suddenly behind me.
"Boo!" I jumped near half a mile, well that may be a slight exaggeration, but I still jumped. "Hello handsome, did I scare you?" That familiar voice, mixed with that unmistakable giggle, informed me that my evening plans didn't involve a walk to the bus stop alone, just yet.
"No, you didn't scare me." I lied. I was a terrible liar, and this one was as clear to see through as glass. Really, really see-through glass, that had recently been cleaned multiple times over.
"Sure, whatever. So, where do you fancy going then? There's that new pizza place that's just opened up, it's only a five minute walk from here." I didn't mind where we ate, as long as I ate with Jacob. I was lost within Jacob's delicate features; my gaze must have been that of an obvious daydreamer. "Oi, Psy! Pizza?" I was blushing. "Yeah, pizza. Why not."
It took more than five minutes to walk up to the pizza joint, neither of us minded though; we talked about our day, well Jacob talked - I listened. I don't know if this has come across yet, but I'm not the most confident of guys; I'm not a social pariah, but I'm no party animal. I don't know why, it's just how I have always been I suppose. But I was determined to work through my issues; I'd denied myself the opportunity to date in the past, and I'd had it.
We rounded the corner and entered the restaurant. The diner was an ultra-modern space with lights embedded into the floor and base of the booths. Jacob and I took a booth by a window. We parked ourselves onto the leather seating, facing opposite one another. We discussed what pizzas we would have. We decided upon a pepperoni pizza to share between us.
As we waited for our meal, Jacob and I decided to exchange facts about ourselves. I learned that Jacob was into cooking and musical theatre, and he learned that I liked fashion and literature.
"So do you have any siblings?" Jacob asked
"One, an older brother. You?"
"Nah, only child. Your turn."
I was holding up fairly well, becoming a bit more confident around Jacob and his captivating charm. I had the perfect question. "Do your family know... about, you know?"
"You mean me liking guys? It's hard not to know when your the constant focus of two people's attention. I take it your's don't."
I swallowed. "It's not like I haven't tried to tell them, but I can never seem to find the perfect moment. I get too nervous anyways. I know that seems a little weird considering I'm out at school, but I like to keep the school separate from the rest of my life."
"Then what do you call this?" Jacob punctuated his victory with his usual giggle.
I paused, for what seemed to me like an eternity, but what was realistically only five seconds. I managed to whisper the two words. "A risk."
Jacob had his entire attention on me. He looked deep into my eyes, and smiled softly. "Some risks are worth taking." We stared into one another's eyes. His: sky blue, calm and inviting pools in which I was finding myself being ensnared within, and I welcomed the pull.
We were interrupted by the waitress, a young black haired woman, about twenty or so. She served our pizza with a smile and a cheeky remark: "You boys behave now, and have fun."
We continued our discussion, but focused more on what boys we found cute, and stayed clear of the serious matters. I enjoyed the mixture of pepperoni and conversation. I went to reach for the last slice and found my hand upon Jacob's. He didn't say a word, instead he upturned his hand and held mine back. "Can I walk you back home Psy?" Suddenly forgetting about the last slice, I quickly paid half of the bill (Jacob payed the other), gathered my jacket and left the diner with Jacob.
We arrived at mine at about half past seven. The evening light kissed Jacob's skin, illuminating it beyond beauty; but this was my home, and my parents would never understand, nor forgive, me if I reacted upon my adolescent temptations.
"Well, this is me. Thank you for tonight. I really enjoyed it."
"Same here. Ooh Psy, you still have some sauce on your lip." Without warning he put his finger to my lip and wiped the sauce from the side of my mouth. I liked Jacob's touch, but to do it in public was confusing to say the least. " Well, goodnight." As he turned away, the evening glow reflected off of his blonde curls. "Jacob" I said. He turned to face me again, smiling softly. "Yeah Psy?"
I walked up to him, and gave him the briefest of hugs. I came to the conclusion that if anyone saw the sauce be wiped from my lip, and didn't mind, they wouldn't mind this. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow Psy."
We finished our embrace, and went our separate ways. I turned and walked up my path. With a song in my heart, and a spring in my step, I opened my front door.
"Who was that dear?" Said my mother with more than a hint of bitter curiosity.
The song stopped.
"It's nothing mum, he's just a friend." I suddenly sunk back into my insecurities. I skulked off to my room before anymore could be said on the matter.
My room is my sanctuary, my clearing in the crowded unforgiving forest of my home life. The walls are a multicoloured abstract of my design. We moved here last year, but I decided to leave a wall blank. "Tonight" I thought "I'll change that." I locked my door, adorned my headphones, and let the music take over.
By the time I had finished, it was the late hours of the night. I stepped back and looked at my soundscape dedicated to Jacob. It was magnificent, to match him. Golden swirls kissing creamy whites, blacks complimenting aquamarines, complex yet delicate. I loved the intricacies of the wall.
I lay in my bed and stare at my sexuality, a complex canvas of blues and blacks and hidden secrets. Sinking into my pillows, I thought about today's events: standing by the lockers, my insecurities, his confidence, our date. Sinking further into slimber one name was on my mind.
Jacob.
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