Imagine, if you will, a world in which an individual could choose their sexual orientation. Once chosen, the person's sexual orientation could not be altered again.
I was presented with this concept, and then asked if I could choose to be straight, would I. The short answer: No. The longer answer needs to be broken into multiple issues.
Straight Isn't Necessarily Right.
The way that the question is posed, as well as the way it was asked, implies that heterosexuality is "correct", or that homosexuality (and other non-heterosexualities) isn't. Now, I like to think that I'm not a heterophobe (If homophobe's a word, why can't heterophobe be?), some of my best friends are breeders; but, to claim one sexuality is right - and claim others aren't is morally wrong.
People are born into their sexual identity, they discover about a decade into their life what gender(s) they are attracted to, and that's final. People who are gay can act straight (trust me), and people who are straight can act gay (once again, trust me). This doesn't deter in any way from their actual sexual identity. Just because heterosexual sex spawns us all, does not make it "right"; or to be more specific, it does not make it the only "right" option. All sexualities are "right" in their own respect.
Loss of Identity
I have become the person I am today because of my sexual orientation and the trials that are expected to come with it, not to mention the scars (though that is the wrong term) that I have been left with.
Now, I've been lucky. I haven't come across much homophobia. When I have, I've been able to stamp it out. But, I would be a totally different person if I had not pursued the path I have taken. Simple things, such as: my first sexual encounter, my coming to grips with my homosexuality, my coming out, losing my virginity. Those are all things that would pan out in a totally different way, if I was of another sexual persuasion. My life has faults, all of our lives do. But, to be broken is special. If we are broken, we can be put on the path to be fixed, and it is in the journey of our damages and reconciliation, that we can become truly individual and unique. I would rather live with my own faults. I am happy with the individual Io have become.
So, no. No, I would not become straight, if given the choice. If any of the people I manage to rope into reading this blog have anything they would care to add, feel free to comment, or drop me an email. My email's in the About Cole section of the bog.
Sunday 29 July 2012
Wednesday 25 July 2012
Slender Man
If you stare into the abyss, it stares back, into you. It's inhuman form rendering me so much more terrified by it's human facade, endeavouring to draw me in with it's gaze. A mortifying gaze. One without a face.
As I stood there, fixed to the earth like the tormented soul I have become, it drew near. Slender. Like a collection of branches and malevilence, gliding towards me. It's shadow would have ensnared me, if the trees and the twilight hadn't already done so.
Fear had become me, yet I managed to suppress it's evil urges. I turned on the spot and sprinted away from the woods, torch in hand, heart in mouth. I made it to the cabin, and suffered the worst kind of sleepless night.
As dawn broke, I set off for town. Swearing that it's gaze was upon me the entire time. Perhaps an illusion, I thought. How wrong I was. It had left it's tainted mark upon my mental health, and would soon enough leave it's mark upon my flesh, of this I was certain.
I shivered into the town square and managed to pass two words from between my lips. "Slender Man!" With this, the roar of the markets subsided and retreated into solitude. Nobody wanted to help, nor could they. This was my curse, my burden.
I was left in the loneliness of my abhorred situation, and it would never change. Dread wormed it's way through my mind, and it became my only thought.
I awoke to find the pitch blackness consumed the sky. Nobody had tried to move me, or leave their abodes, or so it seemed. I prayed to my god, but knew it would be of little help. The Tall One bowed to no god, it only pursued.
A pin-prick of realisation amplified into a barrage of spines that maimed my entire being. I can't live like this, everything I was, or could have been was irrelevant. I belonged to the Slender Man now.
I made my way into the woods, once more. This time knowing I would not return. I paced the previous night's route, and halted at the point where we met.
He was waiting.
Somehow, within the span of a night, he had become so much more terrifying. His attire a deeper shade of death than any that could be imagined. His grotesque form looming above me, topped by a gaze more severe than any other.
I stared into the abyss, and it stared into me.
As I stood there, fixed to the earth like the tormented soul I have become, it drew near. Slender. Like a collection of branches and malevilence, gliding towards me. It's shadow would have ensnared me, if the trees and the twilight hadn't already done so.
Fear had become me, yet I managed to suppress it's evil urges. I turned on the spot and sprinted away from the woods, torch in hand, heart in mouth. I made it to the cabin, and suffered the worst kind of sleepless night.
As dawn broke, I set off for town. Swearing that it's gaze was upon me the entire time. Perhaps an illusion, I thought. How wrong I was. It had left it's tainted mark upon my mental health, and would soon enough leave it's mark upon my flesh, of this I was certain.
I shivered into the town square and managed to pass two words from between my lips. "Slender Man!" With this, the roar of the markets subsided and retreated into solitude. Nobody wanted to help, nor could they. This was my curse, my burden.
I was left in the loneliness of my abhorred situation, and it would never change. Dread wormed it's way through my mind, and it became my only thought.
I awoke to find the pitch blackness consumed the sky. Nobody had tried to move me, or leave their abodes, or so it seemed. I prayed to my god, but knew it would be of little help. The Tall One bowed to no god, it only pursued.
A pin-prick of realisation amplified into a barrage of spines that maimed my entire being. I can't live like this, everything I was, or could have been was irrelevant. I belonged to the Slender Man now.
I made my way into the woods, once more. This time knowing I would not return. I paced the previous night's route, and halted at the point where we met.
He was waiting.
Somehow, within the span of a night, he had become so much more terrifying. His attire a deeper shade of death than any that could be imagined. His grotesque form looming above me, topped by a gaze more severe than any other.
I stared into the abyss, and it stared into me.
Monday 16 July 2012
Summertime
Today is a venus flytrap day. A beautiful day that seems like nothing could go wrong, to anybody. The sort of day where somebody can make a plan, and it will succeed.
Caught in daydreaming. I didn't notice the speeding vehicle racing towards me. The jaws of the plant shut.
Caught in daydreaming. I didn't notice the speeding vehicle racing towards me. The jaws of the plant shut.
Thursday 12 July 2012
Psymon's Tale Pt. V
"You'll never guess what!" I exclaim.
"You got invited to Nate's party tonight." This is a statement, rather than a question, as Zoe is holding a similar note to the one in my hand.
"Hey! Why didn't I get an invite." Max is rummaging through his locker now, moving his possessions in a rapid flurry. Zoe decides to calm him. "Max, chill. The invites are you plus one. So shut up, and be my plus one."
I look at the invite, and sure enough, it says to bring an extra guest. It also says to bring your own booze.
"Erm, guys. You do realise it's a B.Y.O.B. bash, right?"
"That's fine." Max assures. "My parents don't check the booze cabinet. What's your poison?"
"Vodka. Russian." Zoe states, handing Max the appropriate amount of cash.
"Malibu., if you can." I reach into my wallet and hand Max a twenty.
The bell for third period rings and we head our separate ways. We reconvene in the lunch hall and sit at our usual table.
I look around and spot Jacob paying for his food. Max and Zoe follow my gaze and ask if that's him. I confirm, then immediately wish I hadn't.
"Hey Jacob! Over here!" Zoe shouts and waves until he turns and walks towards us. He sees me and sits opposite me.
"Hey." Jacob greets them in the shortest of ways. He seems to be unsure of the situation and is erring on the edge of safe.
"Sorry." I mutter, knowing the my friends, well Zoe, will likely embarrass me.
"Max." Max says, offering his hand. Jacob takes it.
"Jacob, but I take it you already know." He giggles in my direction, and I blush.
"Hi, I'm Zoe. If you hurt him, I will kill you."
"Thank you Zoe." I groan.
"'Cause he likes you, and he's a really big pussy when it comes to boys. So play nice, ok?"
"Thank you Zoe"
"Oh, we're going to this party tonight, and he wants to bring you along as his plus one. So what do you say?"
"Thank you Zoe"
"You're welcome hun." She smiles at me. I'm now crossing off ways to kill her, hoping to find the most painful.
"Yeah, that sounds cool." Jacob says, touching my feet with his. "It'll be fun."
We all eat our lunch, whilst Zoe and Max get to know Jacob, I get to know Jacob a little better too. We finish our meal, and head off to the lockers to relax.
"You got invited to Nate's party tonight." This is a statement, rather than a question, as Zoe is holding a similar note to the one in my hand.
"Hey! Why didn't I get an invite." Max is rummaging through his locker now, moving his possessions in a rapid flurry. Zoe decides to calm him. "Max, chill. The invites are you plus one. So shut up, and be my plus one."
I look at the invite, and sure enough, it says to bring an extra guest. It also says to bring your own booze.
"Erm, guys. You do realise it's a B.Y.O.B. bash, right?"
"That's fine." Max assures. "My parents don't check the booze cabinet. What's your poison?"
"Vodka. Russian." Zoe states, handing Max the appropriate amount of cash.
"Malibu., if you can." I reach into my wallet and hand Max a twenty.
The bell for third period rings and we head our separate ways. We reconvene in the lunch hall and sit at our usual table.
I look around and spot Jacob paying for his food. Max and Zoe follow my gaze and ask if that's him. I confirm, then immediately wish I hadn't.
"Hey Jacob! Over here!" Zoe shouts and waves until he turns and walks towards us. He sees me and sits opposite me.
"Hey." Jacob greets them in the shortest of ways. He seems to be unsure of the situation and is erring on the edge of safe.
"Sorry." I mutter, knowing the my friends, well Zoe, will likely embarrass me.
"Max." Max says, offering his hand. Jacob takes it.
"Jacob, but I take it you already know." He giggles in my direction, and I blush.
"Hi, I'm Zoe. If you hurt him, I will kill you."
"Thank you Zoe." I groan.
"'Cause he likes you, and he's a really big pussy when it comes to boys. So play nice, ok?"
"Thank you Zoe"
"Oh, we're going to this party tonight, and he wants to bring you along as his plus one. So what do you say?"
"Thank you Zoe"
"You're welcome hun." She smiles at me. I'm now crossing off ways to kill her, hoping to find the most painful.
"Yeah, that sounds cool." Jacob says, touching my feet with his. "It'll be fun."
We all eat our lunch, whilst Zoe and Max get to know Jacob, I get to know Jacob a little better too. We finish our meal, and head off to the lockers to relax.
Wednesday 11 July 2012
Psymon's Tale Pt. IV
The evening light kissed Jacob's features, and so did I. I kissed him, and he kissed me. Tongues dancing in time to our own music, with our own unique choreography. I wanted this moment to last a lifetime, and it did.
Until the alarm punctured my sleeping visions. I notice the time, calculate, and come to the conclusion that I can succumb to my temptations. I know that the door is locked, so I relax and allow myself this moment of weakness. I realise that adolescence isn't pretty, but everyone does it.
About ten minutes later, I'm pouring my milk. Leo snatches it from me and wets his own cereal. I eat in silence. Leo tells Mum that he'll be back late because of one of his friend's parties. I don't really listen, I just eat and think.
Fingers snap in front of my face and I'm now focused on their owner. "Oi, Dipshit. We're heading off in a minute. Get ready and get your ass in the car." I do as my brother says, making sure my appearance is more than presentable, just in case I happen to pass Jacob in the hallways.
We take the journey to school the same way we do every day. With silence between Leo and I. I sit in the back and plug in my headphones, he turns his radio up. This is the extent of our relationship. Who said there's anything better than brotherly love?
We arrive at school and Leo drives off to work. He works up at the music shop a few streets away from the school.
I text Zoe and Max, my two best friends (well, I suppose that's what you'd call them. We hang about most of the time.). Zoe tells me she's by our lockers with Max. I go to my locker. Pack away my belonging, and take out my school essentials.
"Zoe, come here." She does, and I make her lean forward. I scribble upon the paper I have against her back and fold it multiple times.
I place the note through the vent in Jacob's locker, and walk with my comrades to first period.
"So, do we get to know his name?" Max chimes.
"Jacob" I say. I decide to continue. "I went out and had pizza with him last night. It was, it was..."
"It was magical, and fabulous, and I loved every second, I also wanked over him. See I have jizz stains on my jeans." I look down. "Oh, my god, you totally did." Zoe is a bitch, but I love her, and she knows it. She punches me softly and smiles. "I thought you never dated anyway."
"It's called growing up, you should try it some time." I smile. She is about to come back with some witty retort, but we arrive at first period. We enter and take our usual seats at the middle of the classroom. The teacher suspects the back to be disruptive, so she pays no mind to us.
We all share a knowing glance and sign in to our usual messaging system on our phones.
sowhatgirl: so tell us
SwordOfDoom: yh come on wanna no
Psykick: well we just went for pizza. But he seems really cool. like hes a really cute guy and i think i like him
Paykick: he likes me 2 i think
sowhatgirl: omg u r so gay :p
Psykick: dont u no it
SwordOfDoom: wait what did ur mum say
Psykick: nothin she didnt have the chance to really
sowhatgirl: u gotta tell her @ sum point u no if she dont lyk it we hav a box in the yard :D
SwordOfDoom: what she said but more supportive
sowhatgirl: fuck u max
SwordOfDoom: xxx
Psykick: i know i have to but i dont wanna can we drop it
sowhatgirl: that last part about jacobs boxers
Psykick: fuck u
sowhatgirl: xxx
SwordOfDoom: HEY thats my bit
We spent the rest of the period talking about nonsense. We spend the second period in exactly the same way.
At break, we go to the lockers. I open mine, pick up the note and gasp.
Until the alarm punctured my sleeping visions. I notice the time, calculate, and come to the conclusion that I can succumb to my temptations. I know that the door is locked, so I relax and allow myself this moment of weakness. I realise that adolescence isn't pretty, but everyone does it.
About ten minutes later, I'm pouring my milk. Leo snatches it from me and wets his own cereal. I eat in silence. Leo tells Mum that he'll be back late because of one of his friend's parties. I don't really listen, I just eat and think.
Fingers snap in front of my face and I'm now focused on their owner. "Oi, Dipshit. We're heading off in a minute. Get ready and get your ass in the car." I do as my brother says, making sure my appearance is more than presentable, just in case I happen to pass Jacob in the hallways.
We take the journey to school the same way we do every day. With silence between Leo and I. I sit in the back and plug in my headphones, he turns his radio up. This is the extent of our relationship. Who said there's anything better than brotherly love?
We arrive at school and Leo drives off to work. He works up at the music shop a few streets away from the school.
I text Zoe and Max, my two best friends (well, I suppose that's what you'd call them. We hang about most of the time.). Zoe tells me she's by our lockers with Max. I go to my locker. Pack away my belonging, and take out my school essentials.
"Zoe, come here." She does, and I make her lean forward. I scribble upon the paper I have against her back and fold it multiple times.
I place the note through the vent in Jacob's locker, and walk with my comrades to first period.
"So, do we get to know his name?" Max chimes.
"Jacob" I say. I decide to continue. "I went out and had pizza with him last night. It was, it was..."
"It was magical, and fabulous, and I loved every second, I also wanked over him. See I have jizz stains on my jeans." I look down. "Oh, my god, you totally did." Zoe is a bitch, but I love her, and she knows it. She punches me softly and smiles. "I thought you never dated anyway."
"It's called growing up, you should try it some time." I smile. She is about to come back with some witty retort, but we arrive at first period. We enter and take our usual seats at the middle of the classroom. The teacher suspects the back to be disruptive, so she pays no mind to us.
We all share a knowing glance and sign in to our usual messaging system on our phones.
sowhatgirl: so tell us
SwordOfDoom: yh come on wanna no
Psykick: well we just went for pizza. But he seems really cool. like hes a really cute guy and i think i like him
Paykick: he likes me 2 i think
sowhatgirl: omg u r so gay :p
Psykick: dont u no it
SwordOfDoom: wait what did ur mum say
Psykick: nothin she didnt have the chance to really
sowhatgirl: u gotta tell her @ sum point u no if she dont lyk it we hav a box in the yard :D
SwordOfDoom: what she said but more supportive
sowhatgirl: fuck u max
SwordOfDoom: xxx
Psykick: i know i have to but i dont wanna can we drop it
sowhatgirl: that last part about jacobs boxers
Psykick: fuck u
sowhatgirl: xxx
SwordOfDoom: HEY thats my bit
We spent the rest of the period talking about nonsense. We spend the second period in exactly the same way.
At break, we go to the lockers. I open mine, pick up the note and gasp.
Tuesday 10 July 2012
Revival
I have been granted one day to live, then I die. Again.
One day to say goodbye, one day to say sorry to all those that I have wronged.
I do my part: mother, brother, friends. Lastly: my lover.
I knock, he answers.
"Forgive me. Please"
And then I fade.
One day to say goodbye, one day to say sorry to all those that I have wronged.
I do my part: mother, brother, friends. Lastly: my lover.
I knock, he answers.
"Forgive me. Please"
And then I fade.
Monday 9 July 2012
Escapism
I'm reading something. So are you.
I'm getting caught in the romance of it all. Such a sensation: it's unreal. I can be lifted out of my depressions and fears because of another's ideas. I see their lands in my mind's eye.
Now I know: this is why we read.
I'm getting caught in the romance of it all. Such a sensation: it's unreal. I can be lifted out of my depressions and fears because of another's ideas. I see their lands in my mind's eye.
Now I know: this is why we read.
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